Cleaned, corrected and re-synced by Tronar
Hey, Robert, I forgot my yoga mat upstairs.
- Mwah! - I can get it for you.
Don't be silly, I'll get it.
- What is going on?! - Adriana!
Adriana, this is... Well, this is embarrassing.
- My Spanish teacher. - Sure, she is.
No, we were just working on ordering scrambled eggs.
- Why are you not dead? - Because it's not what it looks like.
What it looks like is two hot chicks waving their arms around.
- What are they saying? - I have no idea.
I'm listening for key words.
Wait, the "Great Latino Hope" doesn't speak Spanish?
Awkward, right? My parents thought an accent would hold me back,
so no one spoke Spanish at home.
I hear you on that one, man.
My house was an Ebonics-free zone.
- Strictly enforced. - Really? That's amazing.
No "Que pasas" for me, no "Sup, dawgs?" for you?
- How'd the hell did we survive? - We became Republicans.
I can do it. I can do it, I'm not helpless.
That's the spirit.
There you go, Half Windsor, just the way you like it.
Louise, what did we agree about spittle-pats?
OK, OK, elder cranky pants!
Oh, easy, easy, easy.
Hey, Louis, you don't mind if I stash these suits up here, do you?
We got a herd of wild-ass Christians assembling downstairs.
No Jews? Rose said there'd be Jews.
I don't know, man, I don't see creed.
- Hey, Julie. - Senator.
You're boss was explaining to me that you have a little bit
of a love deficit, and I want you to know
- that I am on the case. - No, no, no, please.
- No, senator... - No, no need to thank me.
Huh? I'm already bouncing around a few ideas.
- We'll talk. - Sir...
I told him you weren't interested.
He wouldn't hear of it.
Julie, could you go warm up the guests
and check their names against the list?
Why, who'd crash a prayer brunch?
You'd be surprised, senator.
Prayers become quite competitive on the Hill.
- James. - Ma'am?
Time to start tweeting.
Sir? That was out of line.
She'll thank me later.
Can I say it's being hosted by a Democrat?
If you create context.
A tweet's only 140 characters.
One tweet for content, one for context.
Yeah, of course.
Senator Armiston, welcome!
- Senator Laffer will be so... - Hey, you gonna help me set up.
- Set up? This isn't catered? - Right, catered.
- Oh. - Julie, would you check on the hot hors d'oeuvres?
Oh, I'm sorry, senator, I'm just...
I'm a little bit busy. Perhaps you could...
...ask someone from your own staff.
I want you to start on that side of the room.
Get a comment about Senator Laffer
from each guest, and be sure...
James, listen to me.
Be absolutely sure to disclose you're tweeting what they say.
No spinning. And for God's sake, no snark.
It's a prayer brunch.
Doesn't the phrase, "prayer brunch" sort of sound like snark?
Like a swipe at liberals?
Yeah, I suppose so.
But that's Senator DuPeche's problem.
Nothing by drama ever since I arrived. Speaking of which...
- Yeah? - You'll be nice today, right?
- I'm always nice. - I know, but it's mixed company.
If we can't put our dukes down during a prayer circle, there's no hope.
- Hmm. - We're just here for Louis.
Rozzy, I promise you, I will not be the problem today.
Hey, Tess!
There's gonna be a problem?
Sir? You wanted to know
when Senator Armiston arrived?
Hey, Gil John, what's up, big guy?
No, I can't, Carly just got here,
I want to work her a little bit before we get started.
I'll get Andy to do it.
No problemo.
Would you mind taking a few beers out to Gil John?
Um, OK.
- Hey. - Thanks, man.
- Want one? - Sure. Why not?
- You're not coming in? - No, I hate those things.
I always thought prayer should be spontaneous.
- And private. - Why, what do you pray for?
Buzzer-beaters, parking spaces,
sex with check-out girls.
Nothing I'm proud of.
What's wrong with sex with check-out girls?
The point is, a man should be able to pray for something
whether it's a big-ticket item like racial harmony
or something pissant, like a good poker hand,
without people all up in his grill, judging them.
Well, Gil, I don't think prayer's just about asking for particular outcomes.
Sure as hell was in my locker room.
You oughtta know about that, man.
You threw footballs for Florida State, right?
Funny you should bring it up in that context.
The faithful at State had a nickname for me.
- What was that, Andy? - "God."
- God, huh? - Yeah. I was pretty good.
Carly. A minute?
Robert! You've changed your mind about being seen with me?
Yeah, it's a prayer meeting. No problem. Listen, about the ethics committee hearing...
- Stop right there. - I know, I know, I know.
But in the sanctity of prayerful fellowship,
I am telling you, it's a bum rap.
- We cannot talk about this. - Carly, they are accusing me
of taking expensive suits.
Mohair suits. You could go upstairs to my room.
You would no find one hair of mo.
I'm sorry, Robert.
I'm allergic to mohair.
Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention.
Your attention, please.
At this time, it is my great privilege
to officially welcome home my boss...
And my dear friend, Louis Laffer.
Thank you.
Thank you, my friends.
Thank you.
Senator, if you could just look at James.
It's for your Twitter feed.
Hi, twits. It's an honor to be back.
Sir, the salute isn't really appropriate
unless you've been in the service, or you're president.
Louis, let me show you where you'll be sitting.
He already knows, senator, we've worked that out.
Right here.
Now, don't go fussing over me.
All it takes is a few deviled eggs,
an iced tea with two Splenda to make me happy as a clam.
- James! - Uh, right here.
The senator needs some eggs.
And an iced tea.
Two Splendas.
Copy that, sir.
Where's Senator Biggs? Haven't seen him.
He's out in his car, watching the game.
He doesn't like prayer meetings.
You have such an interesting boss.
Trade him for yours in a second.
Listen, you wanna go upstairs?
We won't be missed.
- What's upstairs? - Me, in about two minutes.
Door at the end of the hall.
Oh, you looked so hot down there.
- Eating waffles is hot? - I'm a farm girl.
We spend a lot of time watching guys eat.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. Not here, not here.
Um...
- Seriously? - It's like a cozy little tent in here.
- Just like camping. - I don't like camping.
How do you know until you've tried?
Bring a pillow.
So I've got this idea for a bill.
- A bill? You? - I know, unlikely.
But I gotta get some points on the board.
You got no chance. None.
You heard we're in the minority, right?
Here's my idea: a national holiday for veterans.
That's a great idea, Andy.
- So great we already have one. - No, no, a new one.
To honor the veterans from the global war on terror.
There's almost three million of 'em.
You've also got your first responders,
your NSA, your TSA, all the spawn of 9-11,
that's a million more.
They deserve their own day.
"Global War on Terror Veterans Day?"
GWoT-VD2. You get it?
Sounds like a sexually transmitted disease.
That's funny, Gil.
But here's the genius part:
It's an unpaid holiday.
That's calling back a day of pay from the entire federal workforce.
Our side will love it because of the savings.
The Democrats will love it because it's a holiday.
It's win-win... win.
- Who's the third win? - Me.
And you. If you co-sponsor.
- A holiday, huh? - that cuts the budget.
You caught me in my wheelhouse, man.
Well, they're starting soon.
Hey, would you like me to send you out a plate?
- I would, Andy, thank you. - All right.
GWoT-VD2.
Well, hello, James.
Why aren't you at the prayer circle?
I am. I'm live-tweeting it.
You don't look like you're tweeting to me.
I'm on break. Social media takes a lot of concentration.
- Oh, I imagine it does. - Not that I'm complaining.
Of course not. You chose a life of service.
I'm just... I'm just glad that you're sharing your break with me.
I like sharing things with you.
I wish we could share more, James.
- That would be a blessing. - I know.
Sometimes, I... No, never mind.
No, what? What were you gonna say?
Well, I... Sometimes I make GIFs of you.
Little loops from our chats, so I can see you talk to me whenever I want.
That's weird, isn't it? I'll stop.
No, no, no, don't stop, James. GIFs are a gift.
It means I can be with you even when you're far away.
Let's... let's make a new GIF together.
Would you like that, James?
Um... very much, Lola.
Um, but this is an office laptop. Let me put in my thumb drive.
Come to me, beloved. Feed among my lilies.
Are you recording?
Hey. Do I detect my wife's handiwork?
Maybe you do, maybe you don't.
I think I do.
You... made coasters.
Well, it's your big day and I wanted to pitch in.
Brothers and sisters in prayer,
if you would all join us here in the living room,
- we can get started. - Everyone, your names are on your seats.
Ignore them. There's no assigned seating.
OK, we'll see how that works out.
- Louis, - Paul, so glad to see you.
Sorry, Paul, you're in my seat.
- I thought you said... - Paul, I'm not in the mood.
This side is for the cool kids, Paul. You're over there.
Hi.
Let's get started. Chaplain, Teeter.
Let us pray.
Settle down, caterers.
Thank you.
That's for after.
Should've thought of that before you opened the bar.
We are gathered here today in profound gratitude
for Louis's safe return home.
Although he sustained a most grievous wound while serving his country abroad...
Please, chaplain. I'm no hero.
In your mercy, you have restored him to his family and friends.
And for that, we offer thanks.
So now we ask you to hear our prayers
that we humbly offer here today.
- Amen. - [all] Amen.
Very nice, chaplain.
Louise, would you like to start us off?
Oh, no, thank you, Rosalyn.
It's OK, honey, you can go first.
- It's not like at home. - You sure?
OK...
Dear, Lord, all of us in the Laffer family,
Lola and Lorna and Lori and I,
are so glad to have our little giant home.
Take care, God. Amen.
- Amen. - Amen.
[all] Amen.
- Paul. - Rosalyn.
I, too, appreciate brother Louis's sacrifices,
but the god that I pray to
demands nothing less in his service.
Even as we throw him out of our public life,
out of our schools, out of our hospitals,
where we slaughter unborn children by the millions...
- This is a brunch. - Ripping them from the wombs
- of fallen women... - Are you kidding me?
- ...we beg your mercy... - Chaplain, I would like a chance to respond to this!
- I can't just... - ...on these pitiful souls!
Through Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Amen.
[all] Amen.
Lemar, how about a musical interlude?
I thought you'd never ask, Rosalyn.
Louis, your tribulations at the hands of Satan's host
lend a special resonance to this long-time favorite.
Enjoy.
- Where you going? - Don't worry, I'll be right back.
Make it quick. You're on in two minutes.
- Not according to the program. - That's Julie's schedule.
- That's not the official one. - I'll be right back.
♪ Onward Christian soldiers ♪
♪ Marching as to war ♪
♪ With the cross of Jesus ♪
♪ Going on before ♪
♪ Christ the royal master ♪
♪ Leads against the foe ♪
♪ Forward into battle ♪
♪ See his banners go ♪ ♪ onward... ♪
Everybody, you know this part. Sing along.
♪ Onward, Christian soldiers ♪
♪ Marching as to war ♪
♪ With a cross of Jesus ♪
♪ Going on before ♪
Hey.
Anyone speaking in tongues yet?
Worse.
♪ On, then Christian soldiers ♪
♪ On to victory ♪
Louder, Carly.
♪ Hell's foundations quiver... ♪
OK, that was great, Lemar. That was beautiful.
- Ha! - Look at that.
Is that some sort of app?
- Fuck me. - Hi, Gil John.
- Thanks for joining us. - Don't you go away, Gil John.
I've also got a song for the other side of the aisle.
Rosalyn, Carly, this one's for you.
- Oh. - It's about inclusiveness. Enjoy.
♪ He's got the whole world in his hands ♪
- ♪ He's got the whole world in his hands. ♪ - Oh, my God.
Everybody, clap hands!
Andy, find Robert, he's on in two minutes.
Right.
- Gotta go, buddy. - Oh, thank God.
♪ ...sisters in his hands ♪
♪ He's got his brothers and his sisters in his hands ♪
♪ He's got the whole world in his hands... ♪
Robert?
...your lamb in my pasture, James!
Oh, bring it home!
Really?
How do you like camping now, city boy?
I love it! I love camping!
- Robert? - I'm in here, Andy.
What the fuck, man? You're supposed to be in the circle.
I know, I'm just... taking the edge off.
Rosalyn always gets me all jacked up.
Great, you're about to lead a prayer and you're totally baked.
Andy, let me just explain my personal philosophy to you, all right?
If the good Lord did not want me to be stoned,
I wouldn't be stoned. Or some shit like that.
Yeah, I mean, maybe that's not a formal philosophy,
at least not one that can be taught.
I'll just tell them that you're drunk.
And that you're throwing up.
That, they can handle.
Hell, no man, I'm gonna say the goddamn prayer!
What?
Did I just say something?
Man, this shit is out ahead of me.
Come on.
Where is he?
He'll be here. He's my best friend.
You're kidding.
Freedom!
I kid. Actually, my people have made great strides.
Anyone know why I'm down here?
- You're leading us in prayer. - Freakin' right!
People say you're slow. Hah!
Rosalyn, is it just me or are you kicking out
some crazy sexual energy right now?
How drunk must you be to ask that?
Well, to quote Churchill...
...you'd have to remember what Churchill said.
A toast! A toast to my dear friend, Louis.
Prayer!
We are... We are gathered here today,
dear Lord, to witness and to give thanks for thy servant...
...thy...
Who said, "thy, thus, thou," Rosalyn?
As the gentleman from Pennsylvania is clearly indisposed,
I wonder if he might yield to me the remainder of his time?
- He willeth. - Thank you.
Mmm, these are good. I'm hungry.
Hey, garcon, can I get some more of these joints here, please?
You know,
whenever I listen to Republicans offer up prayers,
I'm struck by a profound disconnect,
a disconnect between what you profess you feel
for an impoverished, unemployed Jewish carpenter
and how you treat people who are just like him.
Who do you bet leaves first? My money's on Paul.
What if Jesus were alive today?
Would you cut his unemployment benefits?
What about his food stamps?
Would you insist that he got a photo ID
in order to be allowed to vote?
Would you tap his phone?
Would you pass his sandals through the x-ray machine?
Racially profile him based on his Middle Eastern appearance?
Why doesn't she just fart? It'd be a lot quicker.
...stop and frisk him? "Legally" shoot him,
if he raised his hand, as Jesus did, in the temple?
Carly, this is a...
- ...non-partisan brunch. - Louis,
do you really think that Jesus was non-partisan?
Jesus was a liberal!
Jesus belongs to our side, Paul.
The New Testament is ours.
You want the Old Testament God?
The bloody, vengeful, pissed-off old man?
You can have him. But the loving God,
the one who sacrificed his only son for our sins?
He's ours, baby!
You hear me? He's ours!
You can't have 'em both. Doesn't work that way.
- Amen! - And scene! Hah!
- You promised. - Worst prayer ever.
Well, maybe not technically a prayer,
but who amongst us was not entertained?
Hmm?
Christians: zero, lion: four.
Lion! Lion! Come on! Lion!
Lion, lion, li...
How'd it go, buddy?
Things got a bit off track, Gil John.
- Carly... - Say no more, Louise.
If I had a dollar for every time Carly Armiston
got her panty hose in a twist,
I could load up my 401k and retire.
You OK, buddy?
Louis is fine, Gil John.
He's just gone to the special place he goes to
when he's disappointed and confused by God's plan for him.
He's not rebuking us with his silence.
I think if he were able to speak right now,
Louis might say something like,
"Be not troubled, friends, for I'm at peace.
Though the road to salvation may be rocky,
the way is lit by His saving grace."
Fucking Carly!
Mr. President, I rise today to introduce SR647,
"The Global War on Terror Veteran's Day Two Act,"
also known as, "GWoT-VD2."
"Why another Veteran's Day?" you may ask.
What a shameful question.
An insult to a whole generation of 9-11 public servants,
five million strong, both in uniform and out,
squeezed into a single, threadbare Veterans Day?
Under-honored, under-revered,
all but forgotten.
Let us now come together and build these heroes
the unpaid holiday they truly deserve: GWoT-VD2.
I yield the remainder of my time in the memory of their sacrifice.